Reasons You Might Be Jealous Of Me

I can carry all of my laundry back to my room without dropping anything.
I can bake a hell of a Digiorno pizza.
My girlfriend can frequently be seen modeling for book covers or Martha Stewart magazines.
I played the dead boyfriend in Matt Perez’s film at Rockport College (scene deleted).
I have more brown pants than your UPS guy.
I once kicked Jason Bourne’s ass.
There’s a 50% chance I am my parents favorite child.
I occasionally get to use a machete at work.
I give blood.
I can drink more milk than you can water.
I can make faces like this:

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