How to Die, the SkyMall Way

Portable Neck Traction – Just like those things at the back of the grocery store, only it gets uncomfortably tight around your neck, instead of your arm.
Leatherman Pruner – Really? For just $120 I can stab the shit out of my hand? Awesome.
NeckPro – Best used while standing on a very slippery stool.
Portable Swim System – Normal swimming too safe for you? ADD ROPE!
Zombie Garden Statue – This will literally scare you to death if you are outside at night.
Ston-O-Max – Anything that uses Centrifugal Body Stimulation and incomplete sentences will certainly kill you.
Trailer Hitch Chairs – It only takes one asshole to hit the gas in reverse.
Airchamber Cover – Great for warming up your car in the winter, just make sure it’s sealed up well.
Shoulder Dolly Lifting System – Definitely not as easy as they are making it look.
Rock And Roll Lounge – What’s dangerous about an inflatable float? I’ll kill you if I see you in it. If you just wanted to get your feet wet, buy a bucket. It’s so much cheaper.

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Keyboard Cat Hits the Refresh Button on Life

Matt Bagwell has done it again! Last night he supplied me with weeks of entertainment via Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat. This guy has a killer formula: take stale Youtube videos, cut away to a cat playing a keyboard. Done. The creator has single-handedly released a breath of fresh air into the internet. That’s right, he did “Walker Told Me I Have AIDS”, he did “Bike Crashes Into Building”, he even did “I’m Passing Out.”
I know that I’ve claimed some bullshit stuff in the past, but I’m pretty sure this will be bigger than Google within a few weeks.

Am I Missing Something?

Quick question: When was the last time you successfully tore toilet paper on the serrated edge in a public restroom? Never in my life has a toilet paper dispenser actually functioned as I believe it should. It makes me wonder what they are doing at the companies that manufacture these bathroom frustrations. Do they not have the budget for product testing? Do they assume everyone is going to tear by hand anyways? Or have they just stopped caring? Seriously guys, get your act together. No more excuses.

Be Prepared

Listen up guys, because this is important. Although it seems like the Swinethrax scare is slowing down, I must warn you of some important facts. I recently watched both “Aftermath: Population Zero” and “Life After People” which explore how the world would react to the sudden dissappearance of humans. From these programs I have learned two lessons;
1. Get a doggy door. If you are ok with your dog having to eat your garbage instead of roaming the countryside in packs then you should probably dissappear off the face of the planet anyways.
2. If you suspect you will die or dissappear in the middle of the night, be sure to turn off your alarm clock. Unless, of course, this is your final passive aggressive revenge against your neighbors.

I certainly recommend watching these on DVD if you get the chance. “Aftermath” is a bit darker and deals a lot more with radiation and it’s effects on plants and animals. And if you really want to seal the apocalyptic deal, please read “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. So good.