How to Die, the SkyMall Way

Portable Neck Traction – Just like those things at the back of the grocery store, only it gets uncomfortably tight around your neck, instead of your arm.
Leatherman Pruner – Really? For just $120 I can stab the shit out of my hand? Awesome.
NeckPro – Best used while standing on a very slippery stool.
Portable Swim System – Normal swimming too safe for you? ADD ROPE!
Zombie Garden Statue – This will literally scare you to death if you are outside at night.
Ston-O-Max – Anything that uses Centrifugal Body Stimulation and incomplete sentences will certainly kill you.
Trailer Hitch Chairs – It only takes one asshole to hit the gas in reverse.
Airchamber Cover – Great for warming up your car in the winter, just make sure it’s sealed up well.
Shoulder Dolly Lifting System – Definitely not as easy as they are making it look.
Rock And Roll Lounge – What’s dangerous about an inflatable float? I’ll kill you if I see you in it. If you just wanted to get your feet wet, buy a bucket. It’s so much cheaper.

3 thoughts on “How to Die, the SkyMall Way”

  1. These products are even more dangerous because they cannot be used “as intelligently as possible” because an intelligent person would automatically stay away from them to begin with. At best, the use of these products would be “mildly asinine” rather than “morbidly asinine.”

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