Phil Spector was found guilty of murder and switched to Democrat? Thats a dealbreaker ladies!
Category: Humor
Be Prepared
Listen up guys, because this is important. Although it seems like the Swinethrax scare is slowing down, I must warn you of some important facts. I recently watched both “Aftermath: Population Zero” and “Life After People” which explore how the world would react to the sudden dissappearance of humans. From these programs I have learned two lessons;
1. Get a doggy door. If you are ok with your dog having to eat your garbage instead of roaming the countryside in packs then you should probably dissappear off the face of the planet anyways.
2. If you suspect you will die or dissappear in the middle of the night, be sure to turn off your alarm clock. Unless, of course, this is your final passive aggressive revenge against your neighbors.
I certainly recommend watching these on DVD if you get the chance. “Aftermath” is a bit darker and deals a lot more with radiation and it’s effects on plants and animals. And if you really want to seal the apocalyptic deal, please read “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. So good.
well well well…
Despite the fact that I’m having a hard time reintegrating my iPhone with my laptop and it’s new hard drive, I am very glad to be back behind a computer (or am I in front of it?)
By the way, have I ever mentioned photographers suck at math?
Prank I’d Love to See
So a guy walks into a fancy restaurant and says to the maître de that his girlfriend will be joining him for dinner and that he will be proposing to her. He wants the maître de to send the musicians over as he does it, to really pump up the romance. The maître de is glad to help.
The guy takes his seat and waits for his soon-to-be fiancé. She shows up and the maître de escorts her to the table. Sure enough, the guy takes a knee, gaining the attention of the whole restaurant, and pops the question. She’s shocked and overjoyed and of course says yes, envoking a riotous applause from other diners.
They happily finish their dinner and leave the restaurant.
The twist is that the girlfriend is very clearly a man wearing a dress. A man with stubble, an Adam’s apple and hands that could choke an alligator.
That’s all I want to see. Can anybody work on this for me? Thanks.
If My Dad Wrote For LOST:
First order of business; build a woodshed. You’re never going to get a fire going with wet wood.
Everyone would be wearing blue Dickies, or no pants at all.
The boar that Locke caught would end up in a BLT sandwich. I have no clue where the lettuce, tomato or bread came from.
The biggest part of season 2 would have been finding a freezer in the hatch filled with Flavor-Ice pops.
Actually, by episode 2 they would have built a hovercraft and rescued themselves. Series over.
Hmmm…
Have I mentioned my girlfriend may have a substance abuse problem?
Torn
I’m f-in’ dying here guys. On one hand, old man Obama is out there telling me to spend my money. That makes sense. If everybody follows his advice, we enhance consumption of goods, and that makes retailers and manufacturers happy and we get all of our jobs back! Unemployment drops to 0%! Woohoo!
But on the other hand, my deep seeded Maine roots are continuing to scream “DON’T BUY!” crazier than Cramer. Anybody that knows me well, knows that I am the ultimate cheapskate. Oddly, I’m the exact opposite of what retailers were facing this past holiday season. People were buying just as much stuff, just as frequently, only they were buying the cheapest options available. I prefer to put off a sizable purchase for as long as it takes to save up for the higher quality option. I think most of this specifically stems from my preperation for bike trip last year.
I’ve been trying though, but maybe my efforts haven’t been very successful.
Good news: I bought new cookware!
Bad news: It’s cast iron and I’m not buying anymore within the next 50 years.
Good news: I bought a $3000 couch!
Bad news: I bought it at Goodwill for $20!
Good news: I bought a jet ski!
Bad news: Wired magazine told me I don’t need a jet ski to fix the economy. Bummer, nevermind.
The FrURLS Are Coming! The FrURLS Are Coming!
I kind of blew my FrURL load early with Wednesday’s LOST post. i hope these will still entertain y’all.
Britt Sondreal has a few songs recorded and posted to her Myspace. Honestly, you should probably check it out.
Birds Stealing Ice Cream – No further description necessary.
Funny Wi-Fi Names – I love them all.
Three Part Clock – Why consolidate everything onto one face, when you can spread it out over three?
When A Card Just Won’t Do – From PassiveAgressiveNotes.com, courtesy of Ashlinn.
How To Not Pull Your Jeep Out of the Mud – It’s a bit anti-climatic. It peaks a little early, but I love the writer’s Seth Rogen joke. Courtesy of Bagwell. P.S. go to Bagwell’s new site, it’s crazy!
Louis CK on Conan – “Everything’s Amazing, Nobody’s Happy” This is hilarious.
Arms Debate
Alan and Mo (aka Project Tandem) wrote to me last week wondering if I were to have an arm growing out of my chest, would I want it facing palm up or palm down. I actually spent a lot of time thinking about this. Here’s my break down:
Palm Up:
+ I get to eat with 3 hands. Burger, pizza, soda…at the same time! Can you think of anything more satisfying?
+ You know those really stubborn zits where you think “If I could just stab it with one more finger…”? Solved.
+ I could toss an apple into the air, while smoking a cigarette and pointing at hot chicks. I’d be the coolest guy in town.
Palm Down:
+ Faster typing (with more typos, obviously.)
+ Increased smothering abilities.
+ I may finally be able to defeat this girl.
+ Opens up so many new high five opportunities.
So, as you can see, palm down outweighs palm up. That’s my answer. It would be awesome either way. Does anybody know a good surgeon in the Seattle area?
Who Did This To You!?!?
OK, I’ll admit it, I have been trying to eat a bit healthier lately. Cut out some fat, eat a few more vegetables; stuff like that. I eat a lot of BLT sandwiches, and I know bacon’s not great for me, so I decided to try turkey bacon. I like turkey, I like bacon, and it’s cheaper. What could go wrong?
I’m literally going to hunt down whoever decided to taint bacon’s name and kill them. This isn’t bacon at all. It’s more like turkey deli meat cut into strips with artificial ass flavoring (at least I hope it’s artificial.) Guess what else sucks about it. It doesn’t get all crispy and crunchy. It doesn’t ooze grease that pops at you when you flip the strips. It doesn’t even make the whole house and all your clothes stink like bacon for the rest of the day!
Was vegetarian bacon not enough? At least with that I can be pretty sure that it won’t taste, smell or act like real bacon. I had high hopes for this turkey situation. Turkey Bacon, you’ve just joined the ranks of cotton sweaters, titanium bike frames and Sharpie retractable markers!
AdamBelanger.Com 