Time of death, 9:47 am June 2nd 2009.
Despite GM declairing bankruptcy, the Planet Money blog is telling me things are A-OK. Check out the sick graph there! I notice they forgot to mention that most people spent about $200 more on car companies recently than in the past. Weird.
Also they point out that people are cutting back on vacationing. Lots of people are partaking in “stay-cations,” where you find ways to relax at home, without all the travel and hotels and socially acceptable swimwear. I’m going to take this practice even further. Instead of telling the family that they’re getting a stay-cation, lie to them. Tell them you’re going to Hawaii, or France, or Amsterdam. Load them up in the car, drive around the block and pull right back into your driveway. Yell “JUST KIDDING” and give each family member a list of chores that they have to finish before the end of the day. Never bring them to Hawaii or France or Amsterdam. I call it the JK-tion.
Not Quite Beer Pong
My mother was really ragging on me about not updating my blog, so here’s something to impress her. I present to you BALL HOLE; part 1 of my multipart series on alternative drinking games. Grab your beers and pay attention.
1. Procure a golf ball. Check the closets, garage or, if necessary, the sporting goods store.
2. Procure a glass top patio table that has an umbrella hole in the center. Make sure it’s big enough for a golf ball to easily fit through. Something like this should work. If it’s got a plastic ring around it, cut that shit off.
3. Stand on opposite ends of the table from your opponent. Take turns rolling the ball across the table, attempting to sink the ball through the hole. Every time a player sinks the ball, the other player must take a drink of their favorite adult beverage.
4. Play until one person has sunk the ball 5 times. The loser must finish his or her beverage in one chug.
5. Continue playing until the table top is in tiny shards all across the floor/yard.
This game can be played with as many people fit around the table. It is quite important that the player keep his or her wrist behind the edge of the table when he or she is rolling the ball, this is, after all, a gentleman’s game.
BONUS: Put a cup underneath the table, centered with the hole above it. If the ball falls into the cup and stays there, it’s an automatic win for that player.
How to Die, the SkyMall Way
Portable Neck Traction – Just like those things at the back of the grocery store, only it gets uncomfortably tight around your neck, instead of your arm.
Leatherman Pruner – Really? For just $120 I can stab the shit out of my hand? Awesome.
NeckPro – Best used while standing on a very slippery stool.
Portable Swim System – Normal swimming too safe for you? ADD ROPE!
Zombie Garden Statue – This will literally scare you to death if you are outside at night.
Ston-O-Max – Anything that uses Centrifugal Body Stimulation and incomplete sentences will certainly kill you.
Trailer Hitch Chairs – It only takes one asshole to hit the gas in reverse.
Airchamber Cover – Great for warming up your car in the winter, just make sure it’s sealed up well.
Shoulder Dolly Lifting System – Definitely not as easy as they are making it look.
Rock And Roll Lounge – What’s dangerous about an inflatable float? I’ll kill you if I see you in it. If you just wanted to get your feet wet, buy a bucket. It’s so much cheaper.
Keyboard Cat Hits the Refresh Button on Life
Matt Bagwell has done it again! Last night he supplied me with weeks of entertainment via Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat. This guy has a killer formula: take stale Youtube videos, cut away to a cat playing a keyboard. Done. The creator has single-handedly released a breath of fresh air into the internet. That’s right, he did “Walker Told Me I Have AIDS”, he did “Bike Crashes Into Building”, he even did “I’m Passing Out.”
I know that I’ve claimed some bullshit stuff in the past, but I’m pretty sure this will be bigger than Google within a few weeks.
Am I Missing Something?
Quick question: When was the last time you successfully tore toilet paper on the serrated edge in a public restroom? Never in my life has a toilet paper dispenser actually functioned as I believe it should. It makes me wonder what they are doing at the companies that manufacture these bathroom frustrations. Do they not have the budget for product testing? Do they assume everyone is going to tear by hand anyways? Or have they just stopped caring? Seriously guys, get your act together. No more excuses.
What The Hell Happened Last Week?
Phil Spector was found guilty of murder and switched to Democrat? Thats a dealbreaker ladies!
Be Prepared
Listen up guys, because this is important. Although it seems like the Swinethrax scare is slowing down, I must warn you of some important facts. I recently watched both “Aftermath: Population Zero” and “Life After People” which explore how the world would react to the sudden dissappearance of humans. From these programs I have learned two lessons;
1. Get a doggy door. If you are ok with your dog having to eat your garbage instead of roaming the countryside in packs then you should probably dissappear off the face of the planet anyways.
2. If you suspect you will die or dissappear in the middle of the night, be sure to turn off your alarm clock. Unless, of course, this is your final passive aggressive revenge against your neighbors.
I certainly recommend watching these on DVD if you get the chance. “Aftermath” is a bit darker and deals a lot more with radiation and it’s effects on plants and animals. And if you really want to seal the apocalyptic deal, please read “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. So good.
“We Didn’t Start the Flame War” by @CollegeHumor, a tribute to the Internet’s biggest idiots
Had to add this.
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Burgers, Shamwow & LOST
I bought a TV last week. So far it has gone pretty untouched, but Ashlinn and I have watched it a little. The most notable things I’ve seen are the following commercials.
Not bad for a parody video, but I think their original ones might be funnier. The same ad company does the Out Today Plumbing commercials.
Jack in the Box doesn’t really exist back on the east coast. Ashlinn gave me a hard time for not knowing anything about it (or the 600 reported cases of E. coli victims in the Seattle area circa 1993.) Am I the only one that thinks mini burgers are really stupid? I don’t care how many I get, I just want one big burger!
In other TV news, LOST is airing it’s 100th episode this Wednesday. Some will celebrate with cake or costumes. Me, I’m going to eat so many fish biscuits that I puke out what looks like a Geronimo Jackson album cover.
Bonus: For a mere $0.99, you could be jamming like Jin with Dharma Lady (iTunes link.
well well well…
Despite the fact that I’m having a hard time reintegrating my iPhone with my laptop and it’s new hard drive, I am very glad to be back behind a computer (or am I in front of it?)
By the way, have I ever mentioned photographers suck at math?
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