Listen up, it’s storytime.
Growing up in western Maine was great. There were countless miles of rivers to swim, tons of mountains to snowboard and cheap candy at your local Dead River convenience store. An often overlooked aspect of western Maine is it’s close proximity to the great country of Canada, also known as “get drunk when you’re eighteen-ada.”
February 2005, the summer of love, Pat, Seth and I are in Montreal. I’m driving and they’re beyond wasted. (Side note; if you don’t read the whole story you won’t realize that I’m not trying to make drinking look cool.) We are about to head home, when Seth speaks up from the backseat. “I think they’re trying to flag us down.” Sure as shit, a car of four hot girls has pulled up next to us. They’re pointing us towards a parking lot. We pull in and I am quickly reminded of day one of a communication class I took in college. (Warning: Story within a story.) The teacher bursts into the classroom screaming German at us. It was loud, scary and perfectly represented his first point. You can’t communicate if you’re not speaking the same language.
Back to Canada, the girls are speaking French and we’re still having a hard time with the English language.
You would think that screaming “we want to give you kisses” while pointing to your lips would make sense to them. Nay. After a few minutes of failed communication, we left. Empty handed. Defeated. Cock blocked by our own global ignorance.
We rode in silence for a few miles, I mean, kilometers. The silence was broken when Seth drunkenly spoke up again.
“Wait, I know French.”
Category: Humor
Kitten on Hulu
Gotta Stop
The following things must stop:
Smashing on the button that activates the crosswalk a hundred times. It will change when it’s ready. Knock it off.
The backpacks that are nothing but strings for straps and a sack that flops around on the center of your back. Is that comfortable? Really?
Wearing glasses. Isn’t this the oldest form of wearable technology? Shouldn’t we be far passed this by now?
I think I’ve mentioned this before; irrelevant keywording your Craigslist ad. Yes, I will keep flagging you until you stop.
This one is a little tough to follow, so just take it slow. Using the phrase “and/or” when you really just mean either “and” or “or.”
Please make note of these changes and modify your behavior as necessary.
Food Experiments
End result; pretty awful.
2 Things!
The following 2 things could make a pretty big change in your daily life. I hope you take them into consideration.
1. Mint.com presents 3 Principles of Personal Finance – This is going to seem tedious, obvious and far too basic, but sometimes reading it is the first step to actually following through with it. It’s a good read, in relatively plain English.
2. 1 Horsepower Drifting in Romania – Courtesy of Bagwell.
Best Idea of the Week?
Hey, I was just thinking. What if instead of landing on a crazy island full of mysteries, Oceanic 815 landing on a crazy PLANET full of mysteries? That’s right, LOST in outer space, on a planet that the surrounding planets can’t find, except for one asshole with a space freighter and his daughter. I know exactly what it would be called too. Space Lost! Perhaps it would look something like this:
You may be thinking to yourself or aloud to friends around you “Adam, you just did some shitty computer painting over a Lost screen capture.” Shitty you say? Perhaps you missed the painstaking details of the American flags on the space suit sleeves or the crashed rocket in the background or how Jack now fittingly has a ray gun instead of a rifle.
Maybe you should open your eyes before you think to yourself or aloud to friends.
The Recession
Time of death, 9:47 am June 2nd 2009.
Despite GM declairing bankruptcy, the Planet Money blog is telling me things are A-OK. Check out the sick graph there! I notice they forgot to mention that most people spent about $200 more on car companies recently than in the past. Weird.
Also they point out that people are cutting back on vacationing. Lots of people are partaking in “stay-cations,” where you find ways to relax at home, without all the travel and hotels and socially acceptable swimwear. I’m going to take this practice even further. Instead of telling the family that they’re getting a stay-cation, lie to them. Tell them you’re going to Hawaii, or France, or Amsterdam. Load them up in the car, drive around the block and pull right back into your driveway. Yell “JUST KIDDING” and give each family member a list of chores that they have to finish before the end of the day. Never bring them to Hawaii or France or Amsterdam. I call it the JK-tion.
Not Quite Beer Pong
My mother was really ragging on me about not updating my blog, so here’s something to impress her. I present to you BALL HOLE; part 1 of my multipart series on alternative drinking games. Grab your beers and pay attention.
1. Procure a golf ball. Check the closets, garage or, if necessary, the sporting goods store.
2. Procure a glass top patio table that has an umbrella hole in the center. Make sure it’s big enough for a golf ball to easily fit through. Something like this should work. If it’s got a plastic ring around it, cut that shit off.
3. Stand on opposite ends of the table from your opponent. Take turns rolling the ball across the table, attempting to sink the ball through the hole. Every time a player sinks the ball, the other player must take a drink of their favorite adult beverage.
4. Play until one person has sunk the ball 5 times. The loser must finish his or her beverage in one chug.
5. Continue playing until the table top is in tiny shards all across the floor/yard.
This game can be played with as many people fit around the table. It is quite important that the player keep his or her wrist behind the edge of the table when he or she is rolling the ball, this is, after all, a gentleman’s game.
BONUS: Put a cup underneath the table, centered with the hole above it. If the ball falls into the cup and stays there, it’s an automatic win for that player.
How to Die, the SkyMall Way
Portable Neck Traction – Just like those things at the back of the grocery store, only it gets uncomfortably tight around your neck, instead of your arm.
Leatherman Pruner – Really? For just $120 I can stab the shit out of my hand? Awesome.
NeckPro – Best used while standing on a very slippery stool.
Portable Swim System – Normal swimming too safe for you? ADD ROPE!
Zombie Garden Statue – This will literally scare you to death if you are outside at night.
Ston-O-Max – Anything that uses Centrifugal Body Stimulation and incomplete sentences will certainly kill you.
Trailer Hitch Chairs – It only takes one asshole to hit the gas in reverse.
Airchamber Cover – Great for warming up your car in the winter, just make sure it’s sealed up well.
Shoulder Dolly Lifting System – Definitely not as easy as they are making it look.
Rock And Roll Lounge – What’s dangerous about an inflatable float? I’ll kill you if I see you in it. If you just wanted to get your feet wet, buy a bucket. It’s so much cheaper.
Keyboard Cat Hits the Refresh Button on Life
Matt Bagwell has done it again! Last night he supplied me with weeks of entertainment via Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat. This guy has a killer formula: take stale Youtube videos, cut away to a cat playing a keyboard. Done. The creator has single-handedly released a breath of fresh air into the internet. That’s right, he did “Walker Told Me I Have AIDS”, he did “Bike Crashes Into Building”, he even did “I’m Passing Out.”
I know that I’ve claimed some bullshit stuff in the past, but I’m pretty sure this will be bigger than Google within a few weeks.
AdamBelanger.Com 
